A recent article by Your
Tango summarized the 20 things you learn about dating in your twenties.
Curiosity had me flipping through the slide show to determine if I knew these
things. Surprisingly, some of them I found out rather recently. Why is that?
People over forty usually got
married in their early twenties and often to their high school sweetie. They
had very few relationships or dating experiences to serve as a knowledge base.
That’s why the dating world is difficult for the mature adult. Single is not
something they know. There’s all kinds of rules and expected behaviors. It
would be useful to review them.
1.
People in
bars are looking for sex, not relationships, and certainly not marriage. (I
always suspected this despite all the movies and sitcoms that have the heroine
meeting her happily ever after in a drinking establishment, usually the
bartender.)
2.
Games don’t
work. It doesn’t mean people don’t play them. Some may remember a book
called The
Rules. This slender book gave info on how to catch Mr. Right. Ironically,
it did work sometimes. This, of course, confuses the issue. Games, like lies,
eventually get you in a mess of trouble.
3.
You
deserve someone who makes you happy. Someone who wants to and does thoughtful
things for you. It took me forever to learn this one. My attempts to earn
thoughtful behavior failed. Happiness only came after I picked a different type
of man.
4.
If
there’s no chemistry right away, don’t waste your time. Whoa! Wait a minute, I disagree. Many a woman
has been on fire for a bad boy only to be disgusted by his shallowness days
later. On the other hand, people grow up together and fall in love years later.
Sure, a person can rationalize why he or she should like someone, which isn’t
chemistry, but pure, unadulterated desperation.
5. Drunk sex sucks. Regret isn’t so
great either.
6.
Being someone
you’re not is an unending game. Realize that if a person doesn’t think you’re
awesome as your authentic self then you don’t need him or her in your life.
(Late lesson for me.) You do have to
present the real you immediately.
7. Save time for you. Too often people
become a couple and shelf their friends and interests. Bad deal because
eventually resentment sets in over the behavior, even if the partner never
requested it.
8. Invest in the past, cancel the future.
People who expect their dates to act like previous dates will have issues with
ever getting to the second date. It involves being vulnerable. You can’t
compare all men to your abusive ex. On the other hand, if your date is bad-tempered
now it will only get worse with time.
9. Expensive gifts don’t mean squat. As
teens, we wanted gifts as a badge of desirability. One man could buy a Mercedes
w/o blinking an eye, but it doesn’t equate love or even indicate exclusivity.
10. Social Media is a relationship killer. Don’t
air your grievance aired online. When you do, sides occur, and it grows into a
feud.
11. Oversharing confuses the issue. This
happens when you decide to trot out every argument between you and your sweetie
to a jury of your peers. Yes, they’ll take your side, making you wonder why you
even put up with the jerk.
12. Respect yourself. People take their cue
from you as far as how to treat you.
13. Dinner & a movie won’t cut it for every
date. Eventually one or both of you will decide the relationship is boring
and break it off. What you were doing was what was boring. Mix it up, challenge
yourself to try new things. Throw in a street festival, dancing, pottery class
or two.
14. Date nights are a must. Now that you’re
a couple you have to schedule in us time.
15. Breakups suck. What’s worse is living
with an abusive, apathetic jerk.
16. Lower Your Expectations. If you’re on
the lookout for Prince Charming, he hasn’t been on the radar since the 17th
century. He never was since he’s fictional.
17. Being single is better than being yoked w/a
weirdo, player, or an okay for right now guy. Singleness looks better and
better sometimes.
18. Sex isn’t good if you can’t ask for what
you want. Don’t wait a year or two
before bringing it up.
19. Be the bold one. Shy guys might love to
go out with you, but they need help. My sweetie was convinced I wasn’t
interested because I didn’t give him the signal. I still don’t know what the
signal was.
20. The guy who won’t commit, won’t. Quit
wasting time on grooming someone to get them ready to commit. That’s why
previously married men are better than never married men in date ability. Their
track record demonstrates they will commit. Sometimes, they just won’t connect
with you. Accept it and move on.
I’ll
be honest and say I didn’t learn at least four of these until the last couple
of years. Now days, people stay single longer and date more, which gives them
more experiences and reflective periods. They often make their initial
commitments at a much later age. It’s not too surprising couples who married
young break up as they grow into different people. There is also the phenomenon
of grandma and grandpa parting ways because people live longer. In the end,
millions of single people are clueless when it comes to dating.
Here’s a few they missed.
Don’t date people for potential or the
possibility you can change or train them. Bad deal, people don’t change.
Rude or bad behavior is exactly that.
Don’t make excuses such as a hard day, tired, or drunk. Everyone is capable of
trotting out good behavior; failure to do so shows you’re not valued.
Look beyond the exterior. People try to
pigeonhole by appearances alone without getting to know a person. People often
miss their soul mate because he or she was not in the current popular package.
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