Out Of Focus: When the Man Doesn't Focus on You

Two dating stories have something in common, a lack of focus on the woman. A fifty-something woman decides to wait on a suitable man until he had time for her. He initially palmed her off with the excuse that he was too busy for a relationship.  She initiated their infrequent dates they manage to have about every six weeks to two months. She called, emailed, and planned the dates. The summary of the story was after doing this for three years, she scores two dates in one month. Triumph, only it isn’t one really. Three years and she’s doing all the planning. At best, she’s his social secretary.

The second story that has been all over the news is the Dating Assistant. Matthew Valentines’ business helps the busy executive score a date with an attractive, suitable woman. He’s not a matchmaker. He or one of his assistants develops an online dating profile for the man, sure to lure the single hottie. He corresponds with the women, then labels them with designations such as Material Girl, Attention Whore, etc. He presents his review, then arranges the call where the actual executive must talk to the female. His services are only $9.50 an hour. Makes you wonder how many hours Matthew invests in his job since he’s saving the men so much time.

Mr. Valentine has receive some backlash from various women’s magazines. Even CNN jumped on the boat pointing out it was a breakdown in authentic communication. What it boils down to, in both stories, is the man didn’t care enough to put any interest in pursuing the woman. The majority of a relationship is in the chase. A man pursues a woman because something has sparked his interest. If he isn’t putting time or effort into getting to know a woman, then he isn’t interested.

What woman wants to go out with a man who didn’t even initiate the contact or the date? He’s not invested and the woman is little more than a dating version of the fast food drive thru window. In the first story, the man might decide to settle for the woman because for three years she’s been doing everything for him. Why put out any effort? Just about the time she thinks she has him, another woman catches his eye, one that isn’t that accommodating and makes him work to garner her attention. In turn, he values the woman he has to work to draw her interest.

As for the busy executive, he’ll treat his date like an entrée at a restaurant. He’ll have no problems rejecting the woman for the least little thing since he didn’t put any effort into getting to know her. The assumption will be that the dating assistant can locate a more suitable woman for him, which is one the assistant will encourage. In theory, it is not to the assistant’s advantage to have the man hook up with a forever type of gal immediately. It is also hard to explain that mysterious click that allows you to know when a person is right.

Despite all the forms and details, the executive receives another man’s opinion of who would be a good date for him. This type of dating help used to be called arranged marriages and parents brokered it. They probably did a better job since they knew the real person, not the glammed up version the executive gives to make himself sound like a prize as opposed to a self-absorbed individual.

In the end, using either method, the women find themselves with men that have no time for them and very little interest.