Saturday, April 12, 2014

The Tinder Experiment

A recent article about on The Huffington Post had me re-evaluating the state of dating in the US. For those who haven’t heard, Tinder is a dating app. It features a photo or photos with a 500-character description, which is the equivalent of three plus tweets. The person viewing your picture places an X on it if she doesn’t like the profile or a heart if she does. Instant notification happens when someone you hearted has hearted you.

The article, written by dating coach David Wygant, explains he developed a profile to try the app out. He considered himself a decent looking man and appealing to the opposite sex. Wygant hearted several local women. Some older than him and others he deemed as attractive as him. There were those he believed would check him out in a public setting and even younger women who preferred older men. He got exactly zero hearts back. After heart-ing dozens of women, Wygant received no likes on his own photo. What was the deal?

He wasn’t looking at models or actresses, but ordinary women. However, each woman rebuffed him.  The earnest male has just entered the world of women.  No matter how smart or funny women are, the hip to waist ratio ends up as the measuring stick.

The ironic thing about this article was that women might be applying the same extreme standard of attractiveness  that they’ve complained about men using.  Here’s a handsome man who knows how to write a good description because he’s a dating coach, but he gets nada. It also gives him a feel for what his clients are experiencing too.

Then there’s the possibility that he was too good-looking or too smooth in his description. There are plenty of posers with attractive photos whose only goal is to separate a woman from her money. The woman in question could have dismissed him as not real.

Meeting someone you’ve never met and know nothing about takes courage or stupidity; it depends on whom you talk to. Women as a whole want to know more about the man than the tiny Tinder profile allows. The meeting is for the exchange of information, but it looks like very few people ever make it to the actual meet.

Then again, the dating coach isn’t exactly anonymous. Maybe a few women googled the picture and wondered if they’d be part of the next article or lesson. Inadvertently, they actually were.

Wygant could have checked the article on Global Grind  about why women swipe your photo to the left to figure out if he was guilty of any the dating app stumbles.

He finally ends the article with a comment about Tinder being something for people in their twenties. Maybe it is. Still, it cuts out much of the initial flirtation, the meeting of the eyes, the shy smiles, casual hellos that mean something more. This is all lost in a fast food approach to dating. A woman might pass on a man whose smile isn’t wide enough or his eyebrows need grooming. 

Your Tango gave three women’s POV in another blog. Two weren’t that interested since they had heard men used the app only for sex. The third woman discussed going on about a dozen dates that never developed into anything.

Going back to our dating coach, you have to wonder if the women he hearted just felt they were a booty call.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Dating Weirdness

First, I should specify what some people regard as weird, other people think is okay.

1.       The Sneak Date - An associate or co-worker invites you out to a movie, concert, or event, claiming they invited a slew of other people. No one else shows.  

2.       The Embellisher - This person pads out their profile to impress or deceive. Is claiming to have one child, when in truth there’s five, as bad as listing your occupation as international spy on your profile? People would usually think the second was a humorous tactic.

3.       The skinny photo - Most people do wish they looked the way they did in high school. Posting an old photo won’t make it happen. You’ll just end up with someone who is close-minded enough not to go out with heavy people and isn’t afraid to say so. Post realistic photos.

4.       The Drive-by date - This is a guy or girl who only wants to meet at a coffee shop and specifies you wear a particular clothing item such as a red shirt. This allows the difficult dater to drive by and eyeball you before deciding if they will even do you the courtesy of stopping.

5.       The Email King & Queens - These people seem like great people and write great stuff.  The only problem is you never ever meet them. They could have crippling shyness or a spouse.

6.       The Persnickety Single (the female version) - This woman only will go out with men at least four inches taller and makes more money than she does. Instead of being a rarity, she is more of a staple in the online dating world.

7.       The Persnickety Male - He believes he deserves a supermodel despite the fact he’s no model himself.

8.       The Male Whore - He often treats dates like prostitutes.

9.       The Pitiful Date - This can be a man or woman who has endless tales of a horrible childhood, abusive relationships, and crazy bosses. He or she might even throw in a chronic disease and suicidal thoughts for good measure. Run fast.

10.   The Cheapskate - This is usually the man since he’s stuck paying for the first date. Even cheap men realize they have to shell out money for a date. If you don’t mind dining during happy hour to get free appetizers, sneaking in your own movie drinks, lying about your age to get discounts, then you met your perfect match.

11.   The Hallelujah Dater - It never takes too long to discover that your date is a walk down Salvation Highway when you thought you were going for pizza.

12.   Meal Dater - Some women have more interest in a free meal or event than their date.

13.   Unrealistic Expectations - When you reach middle age 40+, you look your age, but some people are horrified when their dates do too. Go look in a mirror sometime, especially in the morning.

14.   The Bait and Switch - A man who posts photos in his profile of him standing beside a corporate jet, expensive car, or yacht giving the impression he’s the owner. Sure, he’ll attract the gold diggers who’ll drop him as soon as they discover he isn’t the actual owner.

15.   Group Photos - Men readily admit that they look at photos before reading the profiles. Profile photos composed of numerous group photos is shooting yourself in the foot. First, it is hard to pick out the profile owner. It also implies that the person can’t stand to be alone, which may be off putting to more introverted males.

16.   Male Group Shots - The woman wants to imagine herself beside you. It is hard to do when your arm is wrapped around a buddy, an ex-girlfriend, or a Vegas showgirl. There’s a chance she thinks your friend is the guy she’s dating and is disappointed when you show.

17.   The Party Animal - Most people are anxious to make a good impression on a first date. The person who drinks too much on the first date is a party animal or more simply put, a drunk. The ultimate lure of wanting to look good in front of a desirable stranger wasn't enough to curtail the drinking. Get a clue.

18.   The Kissy Face Photos - No one looks good doing this. It is rather like those photos that make the dog’s nose look huge using a fish-eye lens.  A recent survey found men on online dating sites have complained about the kissy face photos because it distorts the female face and makes it ugly, not sexy.

19.   Social Media Snooping - Some people feel the need to tell everything they do via social media. It is an investigative tool. Don’t feel the need to give out your social media handles immediately. The downside is if things don’t work out you’ll have to disconnect or ban your defunct Romeo from contacting you.

20.   Cell Phone Monitoring - This is when your date or significant other is constantly viewing your calls or texts with or without your permission. This shows a lack of trust.

There are probably hundreds of others. Remember to not prejudge your dates, but to expect the best. Treat them how you’d like to be treated. People don’t automatically find someone they click with. Dating takes work. Having said all this, make your safety a priority. This applies to both men and women.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Six Things Men Do Wrong Scientifically Speaking recently garnered a lot of views with their article The 6 Things Men do to Get Laid That Science Says Turns Women Off. It was a humorous article, but it was both right and wrong in some ways.

The first issue is the man wants and hopes to have sex. The average woman on the prowl for a man isn’t opposed to sex, but she wants a relationship. Someone who really cares about her feelings, which means the man’s initial one-track thinking might be a problem. Let’s look at the way men can foul out in the mating game.
  Talking. Part of the reason for this is that men try to emulate tough guy movie character lines. Trust me, the same shoot ‘em up movies that guys love doesn’t appeal to women. Neither do those classic guaranteed pickup lines. The woman has heard them or read them before. The secret is every woman wants to feel special. Saying the same thing that you’ve previously used on someone else eliminates this feeling. It shows a lack of effort too.
    Remember the television skits with men drooling and mumbling something incoherent when a beautiful woman walks by. It isn’t too different in real life. If a man can disassociate himself from scoring, then he can sound intelligent or at least not creepy.
2.       Acting interested is a turn off. I disagree strongly. Many relationships that could have been never happened because the woman was unaware the man was interested. Dating site science tried to prove this by having women judge men’s profile pictures. The majority* liked the one where the man was looking away.

     C’mon science, give me a break. They are dating profile photos, which mean ALL the men are interested. They didn’t join to earn some dating badge. The looking away photo may be the better photo because the man isn’t trying too hard and might appear more relaxed. Let’s face it, when you try to smile too much for the camera it just looks goofy. This really isn’t science. It is dating website surveys. The female majority, who weren’t busy dating spent time agonizing over photos, were the same one who answered the surveys. These are going to be picky women, no matter what you look like or if you’re staring at the camera or off into the distance.
3.       Dancing. Yep, you read that right. Dancing sends women running for the hills. Let me clarify this, dancing as if you’re having a seizure turns off women. Most men can’t fast dance and look desirable at the same time. Unlike women, they didn’t practice dance moves with their friends, took dance classes, or dance in front of mirror.  Almost any man can learn to slow dance. One comedian joked that slow dancing was hugging with music. Dancing with a woman can be the thing that wins her over. Remember romantic movies have at least one dancing sequence in them.

4.       Complimenting her looks is supposedly dangerous territory. It depends on how you do it. Even if a woman is wearing a low cut shirt and you admire her rack, you’ve thrown yourself out of the game. Number one reason is because you discounted her as a person by focusing on one aspect of her body. This compliment is worthy of a drunken frat boy and you’ll be treated as such. Remember the rule of three. Three compliments per date. Too many doesn’t sound real.

    A good compliment may not always sound like a compliment at first. If she’s talking about her job or a recent accomplishment, you can remark about how you admire someone with her ability or how hard she must have worked. At the end of your time together, thanking her for a great time is a compliment.

5.       Being nice. The Cracked author’s definition of being nice is more like being false and pretending to like everything the girl does. Women don’t always want someone who likes everything they do. That’s why they have girlfriends. Even the girlfriends disagree sometimes. By being what you think is nice, you’re being bland. Bland is the kiss of death. This makes you unmemorable.

6.       Having the wrong name puts women off. It does, but not always for the reasons people think. Some names are gender ambiguous. It is hard to consider a man named Stacy, Peyton or Taylor when that happens to be her BFF’s name too.

Other names are lacking in sexual charisma for this generation. Oscar, Arnold, Stanley, and Bertram may have been tough names a couple centuries ago, but they aren’t now.

Then there is the curse of having the same name as an ex, her brother, or her father. It’s hard to not to lump you in with the other man who has your name too.

This might be the reason many men choose to make up nicknames.

In the end, besides rusty pickup lines and bad dancing, most sober woman can recognize a booty call. If that’s all you got, then she’s not buying.

Friday, March 14, 2014

Who's Your Potential Date?

There are a lot of people entering the dating arena. The big question is where are these suddenly single people coming from? People in their forties and fifties are divorcing in record numbers.  A recent story on NPR highlighted the newest dating group, the fifty and up. The group most likely to divorce isn’t your younger couple, but people in their forties and fifties.  Many marriages that last twenty years or more are dissolving.

Part of the reason is people are expecting to live into their eighties. With that in mind, many aren’t inclined to spend the next thirty years in a mediocre marriage. Most willingly admit that the children were the only thing that held them together.  A few decades ago, only one in ten couples who divorced were in their forties or older.  Now, it is one in four.

Part of the reason is that women are no longer tied to men financially. A woman who makes a good salary is more likely to leave than a housewife. Women seek the majority of divorces too.  The children and settling down may have seemed like the woman’s initial dream, but many feel shortchanged by the time they hit forty and are considering new dreams. Unfortunately, the husband may not encourage the dreams because he’s happy with the status quo.

You have your first wave of possible dates. The droves of people seeking to restart their lives and those shocked into singleness by a spouse who left. It is best to date people at least six months after their divorce to prevent emotional fallout. It could be that you symbolize the missing spouse or the longed for dream. Either way it isn’t good.

Many who are back in the dating pool shy away from widows or widowers. The prospect of dating someone who was devoted to a deceased spouse is daunting.  Often the left spouse uses dating as part of the grieving process, talking constantly about the deceased partner. This makes you little more than an unpaid therapist. It is almost like there are three people on the date. The other side of the coin is the angry widower who is eager to tell you that his marriage was teetering on the brink of divorce before his wife’s cancer diagnosis. Neither scenario is good, but worse is the man eager to replace his deceased mate. This comes from liking the benefits marriage provided. Don’t mistake this sudden rush to the altar for true love.

Then there is the single man or woman who never married. They’re the lone pair of shoes after a super markdown. Their excuse might be they were too busy building up their career to take out time for a relationship. Consider that almost all Fortune 500 members are married or divorced. The biggest giants of industry managed to fit in some time for romance. It could be that suddenly they’re desirous of a relationship unaware of what is involved. Think of the media version of a relationship, which consists of doing glamorous, sexy things all the time and looking good while doing them.

It could be they failed to commit, but enjoyed the idea of companionship.  This will show up after a couple of dates if you make it to the dating stage.  One comedian joked that he started, flirted, argued, made up, and ended relationships via text without ever meeting the woman in person.

While it is a funny punch line, it is too often true.  The idea of having someone special or having someone at the other end of the text is enough for a surprising many. It is rather like the line of having a girlfriend in Canada. You can claim a significant other all you want if there is no chance of anyone meeting them. The prospect of meeting someone in person is frightening.  Some hint they’re ready for a relationship, but never take that next step, the in the flesh. This is their issue, not yours.

In the end, you have hurting, often bitter people who were surprised by a divorce they didn’t initiate. You have hopeful people who did initiate the divorce in hopes of having that glamorous life style they see exemplified via advertising. You have your grief stricken widow or widower who will be rusty in the dating game. Then there is the confirmed bachelor who insists he or she is ready to settle down now. Any of them could be a great date, it just depends on where they are on life’s journey.  Some are ready to date while others will never be ready to fully commit so keep this is mind.

Be realistic about your dates and do not give them qualities they do not have just to settle into a mediocre relationship. Another reason people are divorcing in records numbers in their middle years is that they refuse to settle for what isn’t working. They found themselves in such a relationship by marrying due to hormones, availability, and convenience. To meet someone who really clicks with you, you have to take chances and play the numbers game.

Meeting your perfect match at weddings, groceries, airports or the veterinarian is highly improbable.  Dating is often like a research project. Many are willing to settle on their first reasonable date, thinking they found “the one.” Don’t make that mistake.  People choose to withhold information while dating, which could be good or bad, but that’s another column.

Friday, March 7, 2014

The Cute Meet is an Urban Myth

Do you like sweet, often sappy romantic movies filled with cute meets? What’s a cute meet, you may ask?  It’s an unlikely meeting under ordinary circumstances.  You’re running for a plane when you bump into him, scattering luggage. After he helps you gather the contents of your bag, you apologize and rush for the plane. Surprise! The two of you are on the same flight. He convinces your seatmate to switch seats.  The flight passes quickly as you discover how much you have in common, and then it segues into a movie-worthy romance and a beach wedding.

There are other settings where the cute meet happens, from the grocery store to standing in line at the local Starbucks where you get each other’s coffee by mistakes. This cute meet ends up being retold endlessly to jealous friends. It’s the start of a great romance.  

It’s nice in theory. Women are warned to constantly be dressed in their best clothes and full makeup because they might meet the perfect man while pumping gas or in the line at the post office.  I am guilty of doing this without any results. At first, I wondered what I was doing wrong. One online dating advisor told women to have coffee date cards with only their first name and a cell phone number for a disposable phone, just in case the number might need to be ditched if the guy turned out to be weird.

At the time, I wondered if I would want to go out with someone who required a ‘fake’ phone number. Withholding my last name because I was afraid of being stalked in the future seemed like a lot of work. So far, it didn’t sound like that great of a plan. Still, I persevered, smiling shyly at possible available men in the post office or at the bank as I waited in line. A few of them did carry on conversations with me, but none resulted in dates.

What was I doing wrong? It was winter and they were wearing gloves. I rationalized that they could have been wearing a hidden wedding ring since I was desperate to believe in the cute meet. The cute meet is an urban myth perpetuated by popular media via movies, songs, television shows and even commercials. It is one we like so we get more of it. Even people who talk about meeting a great guy at the grocery store may fudge a bit about how they met or how great the guy is.

It reminds me of the Sandra Bullock movie All About Steve, where she is set up on a blind date by her parents with a local weatherman. Her character obsesses on Steve, the Weather Guy, even to the point of following him around to initiate chance meetings. She has no real life, which allows her all this free time to plan these chance encounters. Steve isn’t as wonderful a guy as she thinks he is and her behavior is plain weird.

Are you going to hang out in public places in hopes of contriving a casual collision? I hope not, it never ends up like the movies.  This sells because people want to believe in the cute meet. Unfortunately, the cute meet desire may keep you from seeking out realistic ways of meeting people.

What are realistic ways?  Realistic ways are being part of clubs that meet on a regular basis, allowing your friends to fix you up, and engaging in online dating. It is certainly better than hanging out in the wine department of your local grocery hoping someone with possibilities might appear.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

The Male Double Bind

Recently, a co-worker complained because her husband became teary when his team lost their bid for the Super Bowl.  Emotions, other than anger and happiness, cause most women to react negatively. This is the double bind American men battle daily.  Husbands, boyfriends, and men in general deal with accusations of not being more compassionate, caring and sympathetic. They also get the blame for being uncommunicative. Let’s examine what happens when men show sadness, which is a direct result of caring.

A man who sniffles at the end of the movie while the woman emptied a tissue box over the same film is teased about his behavior. Most men know this will happen and are smart enough to go to the bathroom to wipe away any embarrassing moisture.

As for strong emotions, men do have them, and more besides angry and horny. Although most men manage to hold the Mr. Spock face for most emotional upheavals. Why is this you might wonder? As a young boy, showing disappointment or even sadness over a lost Little League game or a dead pet met with comments of try harder next time or be a man. Direct translation is men do not cry or display any other emotions except anger and occasionally pride.

While women want men to talk to them, they often don’t like what the man has to say. Men are problem solvers. A woman comes home and complains about her day, which causes the man to leap into action.  His ideas about solving her issues at work might be useful, but she didn’t want a solution, just a listening ear that would hear her complaints. The woman may slam off to the bedroom leaving a bewildered man.

Remember when your parents or teachers would ask you a question that they knew the answer to as a test. Women do this all the time. They seldom inform the man he’s be testing. If he answers wrong, he’s an uncaring jerk. Even the chattiest male, starts to limit his conversation aware simple honest responses might cause an explosion that would rival any volcanic one.

Women see some man cry on television when his woman dies, leaves, or thinks about leaving him. They nudge the guy beside them, point to the six-pack ab man wiping away tears and ask, “Would you cry if I left, die, etc.?” The right answer is always “yes.”

Why then, do women get upset when a man is despondent or depressed? Women still expect men to be stronger in all ways. A man who cries openly causes the woman to doubt his role in her life. She would prefer to be the weak one who can depend on her strong man. Even though most women believe in equality, many managed to drag male stereotypes into the twenty-first century.

There’s so much wrong about this besides making a man live inside a John Wayne stereotype. It also refuses to recognize that women have the same qualities we expect men to have naturally. Men and women both have a wide range of characteristics. It is unfortunate that we have divided these  between two genders. When a man does anything that resembles a feminine trait from being nurturing to soft-hearted, he receives ridicule, often labelled gay by other males.

Now, the man is not only trying to conform to anachronistic societal standards, but prove his sexual identity too by being a bottled up male. Men often deny their emotions for so long that often they fail to recognize them and misidentify them. An unhappy fifty-ish man may decide he’s going through a mid-life crisis and leave his wife for the intern at work. This behavior is more culturally acceptable than a man appearing uncertain and vulnerable.

It isn’t too surprising that most men are on the non-talkative side. They often keep their opinions to themselves to avoid any possible arguments. In Ten Things I Hate about You, the woman asks the man what he’s thinking while he’s watching a movie. His reply is he isn’t thinking about anything because he’s watching a movie. She then goes on to tell him he’s thinking about another woman. What she's really doing is verbalizing her own insecurities.

Even when men don’t comment, they still get in trouble. It makes you understand the silent male on the edge of the crowd. It also makes you understand why it is takes so long to get most men to open up. They remember what happened the last time they opened up.

So in the end, what does the American woman want? Do they want the six-pack ab man who makes six figures and is willing to pour his heart out at his love’s feet? Maybe. Still, he’s a fictional character. It reminds me of two men I overheard when I exited the movie theater arguing about the best way to kill a dragon. Dragons don’t exist; neither do those alpha guys who cry buckets when their love life goes south.

What would happen if two people could have an authentic relationship with each other? No hiding behind stereotypes and free to express any emotion without ridicule, this might be a definition of a perfect relationship.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Defining Beauty

How we define female beauty or male attractiveness may doom our happiness or the ability to attract the right mate. Why is that?

The first issue is how we feel about ourselves. There are few things more off-putting than a woman who puts down herself. A woman who constantly bemoans her weight, hair, or any other feature wants reassurance that she’s okay. Her date renders up confirmation that she is attractive, but she may brush the words away, too caught up in the media-generated version of beauty to accept the words.

Her date feels like she doesn’t value his opinion or doesn’t have the courtesy to listen to him. Later on, after constant needs for reassurance or obsessing about her weight, the man disappears. This only confirms what the woman believed. Women are horribly insulted when their recently departed man chooses someone heavier or less conventionally attractive.  What they failed to realize is how the man views this woman.

The new woman is okay with who she is. It could be that she might want to lose a few pounds, but she isn’t going to base her vacation plans or her life on it. People who are able to love themselves are able to love others. It’s impossible to accept other people when you can’t accept yourself. The cattiness that comes between women stems from the failure to love who they are.

Most women compare themselves to media-generated images that bear no relationship to actual people. A model on the Steve Harvey show recently revealed all the Photo Shopping that went into her bikini shoot. Here was a woman who was already trim and beautiful who had more “help” than any plastic surgeon junkie with the help of technology. Some fashion magazines use computer-generated models since human females are not thin enough.

Despite all the magazine covers and romance novels featuring men with hairless six-pack torsos, men don’t look like that.  An unrealistic standard of beauty cuts both ways.

Women often refuse to date a man under five ten.  It would be like refusing to date a man because he had brown eyes. This is another media-generated image of what a man should be. Not only does a woman expect the man to be taller than her, but still taller after she dons her skyscraper heels. According to the Huffington Post, only four percent of US women are willing to date a man their height or shorter.

How we view people makes all the difference in the world. I have women friends who are married to men much younger than they are. I have heavier than average friends who married attractive, athletic husbands. They all went on to have great lives and marriages.

The difference was they were okay with who they were. None of them lost any sleep over the fact they didn’t look like a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. Their husbands loved them for the brilliant, strong, wonderful women they are. The smart men were able to see real beauty.

Happy people are attractive. Unhappy people aren’t. Often those who are unhappy with their own appearance seek validation in the appearance of their date thinking, ‘If my date meets the media criterion for beauty then that means I'm okay.’ What it means is a constant pursuit of a better model to prove self-worth.

It’s not too late to fall in love with you. It involves accepting yourself as you are right now. It’s amazing that once you are okay with yourself how many other people are okay with who you are. They always were, but it was impossible to see through your own doubts.

Loving yourself allows you to see others as they are as opposed to picking through dating profiles for the best body. This doesn’t happen all at once. I can see in retrospect that I allowed myself to be treated poorly because I didn’t think I deserved better. My dates mirrored back my own behavior.

I met my sweetie once I was okay with myself. He was the one who convinced me that I didn’t need to lose weight to be beautiful and he’s right. I see him as my gorgeous Adonis. Other women saw him as not tall enough.

There were some lonely men and women this Valentine’s Day. There were plenty of folks who would have been wonderful dates for them, but their tight grip on unrealistic beauty standards condemns them to solitude.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Lunacy: Why Women Take Back Cheating Exes

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is lunacy. You might have a few posters around work with this particular quote. Did you know it applies to your love life too?

The other day I stumbled across a blog written by a man I knew by reputation. He confesses that he keeps going back to the same woman after cheating on her several times, and even leaving her altogether another half dozen.  This time, he pens, will be different. His goal is to be a better man.

Some people reading the blog will applaud the man for his confession and willingness to be a better man. A few people will believe the words, including the woman, in question.  Too many people want their cheating exes back. The real question is why.

Companies, books, even videos make tons of money on selling the lovelorn gimmicks and tricks to retrieve the wandering ex. Just yesterday on my Facebook page, a tearful video detailed a woman who discovered her ex was cheating on her. She found him with her best friend. He confessed to a year affair with the friend under the woman’s very nose. She cried her eyes out and moped around for months claiming she still loved her ex. How could she love a man who betrayed her and cheated on her?

Most would write the cheating loser off and move on. Too often, people who long for an ex don’t long for the actual man, but the image they created of him. It includes scenarios where the cheating ex becomes a romantic movie character, wooing her with long speeches and generous gifts. It doesn’t matter if this has never happened before. A betrayed woman often wants to believe in her fantasy.

Who wouldn’t? The alternative is to accept the ex that discarded his devoted sweetie the same way he would a used tissue.  This means either the guy is a jerk or the woman is a loser. Neither one is a palatable option for the woman who wants to believe.  Many women don’t want to be part of a broken couple because they will have to go through the whole dating scenario again.   

Better to go with the cheater she knows.  She’ll often rationalize that she must have been the problem. The ex may have blamed her as he left with his current squeeze. The woman seeks out remedies to bring back her errant lover.  She may lure him home with promises to be more loving or more adventurous.  It might even work for a while.

The bad news is it doesn’t last for long. The cheater was between affairs and his ex was a convenient landing spot. Consider he doesn’t have to be charming or on his best behavior with the ex. He probably doesn’t have to spend money either. She doesn’t see him as he is, but as she wants him to be.

Eventually he leaves again despite all the wonderful things the woman does. Sometimes, he doesn’t leave, but continues to cheat while being pampered at home. As a man gets older, he loses his bad boy appeal. It depends on the man when that happens. By then, the man settles because he has no other alternatives. The jilted lover now has a man who wishes he was elsewhere, but has no way to get there.

When people break up, especially when one person cheats, the message is clear. Players play. Data shows that cheaters will cheat again because they are predisposed to it. Too many women want to believe they are the one that will turn a man from his bad boy ways.

A regular guy who cheats isn’t into his current woman.  He doesn’t care if he gets caught and the relationship dissolves. In fact, he wants it to. It makes the exit easier. A committed man doesn’t look for additional partners, but a man on his way out does.

What if the woman left a perfectly ordinary man and now wants him back? She may have felt her life wasn’t exciting enough. The stability and support that her caring spouse offered wasn’t enough for her.  She wanted the excitement of the bad boy. Maybe even the guy writing the blog.  Bad boys don’t care about pleasing women, as opposed to what you see in movies. Instead, they’re out for themselves.

The restless wife or girlfriend finds this out too late. She may try to go back to her reliable man, but will usually find he’s moved on. Keep in mind, the loving man that was left behind realizes his worth and found someone who did also.

Why doesn’t the woman also do this, instead of taking back the cheater, or worse, chasing him? Blame it on the media or poor self-esteem, but she’s sure she’ll get the bad boy back and things will be better. They won’t. She’s shown the man he can do anything and she’ll welcome him back with open arms. In fact, there will be less time between cheating episodes because he suffers no consequences for his actions.

As for the blogger, I doubt he even believes the words he typed. They are, at best, a cheap gift for the woman who keeps taking him back.  He knows she’ll believe them.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

The Creep Out Factor

This close to Valentine’s Day, it is easy to believe you have met Mr. Right or want to meet Mr. Right. If true soul mates come together, shouldn’t everything work out right? It does in the movies. Well, actually sometimes as women we are so focused on the result that we creep the guy out big time.

Take a stroll down memory lane and think about a few guys you really liked and had happily ever after potential, but vanished off your screen. Dating is strange because people are often looking for reasons not to date people as oppose to continue dating them.

Decide if you have been guilty of any of these behaviors.

1.       Chatterbox. Most women do talk more than men.  A nervous woman might even talk more than normal.  It is okay not to talk too. Give your date a chance to talk. Ask a man questions throwing the ball in his court. 

2.       Okay on my Own Gal. This woman spends most of the date talking about why she’s great on her own and how her life is marvelous.  She doesn’t care if she’s ever a part of a couple.  In an effort to sound confident, she just comes off twisted. The date will feel played and will avoid future encounters. 

3.       The Social Media Stalker. This female sends endless tweets, photos, and pins that she thinks will keep her date thinking about her. He’s thinking all right, weird. It’s better to be mysterious and send almost nothing. Maybe one per week to let him know you’re thinking about him. If he doesn’t reciprocate, get a clue.

4.        Being Too Available. This gal is desperate to catch a man and volunteers to do crazy stuff. On a first date that man mentions he’s in charge of the company picnic, she offers to help.  

5.       Appearance matters. Many men decide not to date a woman because of how she dressed for their initial date.  Before you think this is unfair, consider your reaction when the man you agreed to meet at an upscale Italian restaurant shows up in cargo shorts, tank top and flip-flops. These clothes aren’t bad for walking on the beach, but they don’t suit a dinner date.

6.       Lying. If a topic comes up you don’t want to talk about. Don’t.  Say you don’t want to talk about it. Go to the bathroom. Change the topic, but don’t lie.

7.       The Important Gal- Have you ever been when out with a guy who carries on a non-stop conversation about how great he was. Imagine that same person as a woman. 

8.       The Inconsiderate Date.  She’s late to the date. If her date drives to her house, she’s not ready.  She’s miffed when she has to stroll into a darken theatre.  Somehow, she’s unaware of people around her as she chats loudly on her cellphone or continues to watch social media updates on her phone.  She doesn’t try to make conversation, but instead finds fault with the traffic, the weather, the service, and her date. 

Look over the categories and decide if you’re guilty. Could also be the two of you didn’t click. Too bad, there’s never a survey people could answer after a date. Unfortunately, most would lie on it even if there were.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Dating Resolutions 2014

Online dating companies predict 2014 will be the banner year for the soul mate search, but too many people are willing to grab onto anyone, just to have someone. Your current squeeze may be sucking the joy out of you. Check out if any of these ring true. While I usually write from the female perspective, these same items can be true for men too.
1.       Your date/partner doesn’t make you feel good about yourself. Casual putdowns about your physical appearance or decision-making are a bad deal. The right person not only makes you feel great, but helps you to reveal your personal best.
2.       He/she doesn’t treat you the way you want to be treated.
3.       No one likes him/her. You’ve introduced your newest crush to your friends, co-workers and relatives and they all give him/her two thumbs down. Consider that these people would like to see you treated well.
4.       He doesn’t do what he says he is going do. At first, you’re thrilled at all the super-romantic plans he makes for the two of you. He has yet to deliver on any of them. He’s a talker, not a doer.
5.       You find yourself attracted to other people. Get a clue. If you find others attractive, then he’s not doing it for you.
6.       Your find your date/companion boring.
7.       You find his interests stupid or boring. A couple doesn’t have to like all the same things, but when you disrespect his interests, it’s a sign you don’t belong together.
8.       You don’t see a future with him/her. Keep in mind you’re wasting time staying with someone who isn’t a keeper.
9.       You don’t trust him/her.  Trust comes before love. No trust, no love.
10.   Instinct. Sometimes we meet people and we know they’re bad news, but we try to rationalize why they aren’t.
11.   Any show of isolation or control. This comes as subtly as monopolizing all your time so you don’t see friends or family. He also discounts your friends’ opinions to move you away from them. This is the starts of an abusive relationship.

Okay, you know a few things to watch for when you start that soul mate search, but keep in mind it’s okay not to be part of a couple. Try to do things you want to do on your own. Make yourself happy, don’t wait around for someone else to do it. Finding the right person isn’t like the movies where the person shows up in the first twenty minutes after you decided to look.

People who decide what they are looking for have a better chance of meeting that person. Without predetermined goals, we drift through a series of people who may not only be wrong, but actually harmful to you.

Do what makes you happy first. Happy people are so much more magnetic than anxious hunters are. Once you meet someone suitable, remember first dates are for getting to know someone not pre-planning your wedding or future life together.