Saturday, September 6, 2014

"Taking a Break"

Courtesy of Deviant Art

Who hasn’t heard this dreaded phrase? There are variations on it. “I need to find myself,” or “I need to think about us,” or even “I need distance.” Whenever anyone suggests taking a break, it is the slow breakup. Now, some couples do get together after taking a break from each other. So, it can be good, right?

Not necessarily. The person who wanted to take a break, find her or himself, or needed breathing room, just wanted to shop around without the guilt of being a cheater. He or she was crafty enough not to admit this.  A partner shops when the relationship isn’t valued. There’s a tiny part that worries there may not be a better partner or relationship out there. If there isn’t, taking a break allows them to return without any recriminations or apologies needed.

It is similar to a movie of a few years ago where the wives gave their husbands a free pass to do whatever they wanted for a week. In the movie, the men realize they weren’t the studs they thought they were and valued their wives.  They returned grateful and determined to make their relationships better. All movies… you do realize they’re fiction, right?

   Let’s put this in car terms. You have an old car that you drive around now and then, but don’t put much value on it. You’d probably have no problem lending it to a friend. Might even let the same friend use it indefinitely, especially if you have your eye on a shiny new car. (Keep in mind; you aren’t paying insurance or payments on the car.) Taking a break is exactly what you’re doing with the car. If you never see it again, you won’t be too distressed. The fact you lent it out means it no longer has value in your eyes.

Second scenario is you have the car of your dreams. Years have gone into obtaining this magnificent vehicle. It is your pride and joy. Polishing it and showing it off consumes your leisure time. Several friends have asked to drive it, but you laugh off the suggestions. This is your baby and you’re not going to take a chance with her.

If someone is taking a break from you, face it, you’re car number one.  People often have inflated images of their worth in the dating world. Your partner who needs breathing room could be out for a few months with no results.  He calls you up and wants to hang out, keep in touch, drop by, etc. Translation: you’re good enough for right now until the urge to check out the new dating stock comes over him again.

You see this in relationships when people live together. They’ve lived together for months, even years, when one person confesses they fallen for someone else, a person they immediately marry.

(Hey, wait a minute; didn’t they say marriage was for suckers?) What happened is they found that one person they were searching for. Would they have been searching if they valued whom they were with?

If your partner declares that he or she needs a break, breathing room, distance or another euphemism for leaving, let them go. Don’t pray for his or her return, read articles on how to get him or her back, or even beg for his or her return.

Face the facts; you weren't valuable.  A person who values you wouldn’t take a chance on letting you go. Some people tell themselves it is better to have someone than no one. It isn’t. How can you find someone who values you, when you’re hanging out with someone who doesn’t?

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

If Women Ran the Dating World

A new dating app called Siren is all about not letting men view the posted photos. Instead, women control access to the profile pics. Too many women complain that men they don’t want to know fixate on them based on their photos. On the other hand, an unflattering photo causes a man to ignore the woman.

The game plan is to get men to know the woman through text interaction. If, and when the woman wants to, she can reveal her photo. They might even meet without the woman ever showing her photo. Men can react to a talking point. A woman can choose a man whose answer she liked best. This is supposed to be more authentic. Some men will be better at this, especially literate men, and those who spend a lot of time in their heads. This doesn’t translate to being a great date though. It is similar to people who can ace job interviews, but never actually do any work once they’re hired.

The premise is men base their reactions on photos, and not the actual person. This is true to a certain extent. When I asked dates what we had in common, I often drew blank stares. They’d never read my profile. Men do look for types that appeal to them. They aren’t necessarily looking for a beauty queen. Many are looking for non-supermodels types, well aware of their own ordinariness. Women assume men want drool-worthy women, but they really want someone in their own league who won’t leave them.

Would women go for men that didn’t reveal their photos? I did. I conversed with two gentlemen who didn’t want to show off their photos immediately. Most people assume if a person doesn’t reveal his or her photo they must be an ogre. Not true. Out of the two men who wouldn’t post their photos, one was an average guy, but the other was model worthy. Ironically, their cloak and dagger attitude scared me away from both of them. My immediate reaction was, why not show a photo? Unless they were already in a relationship.

Dating websites advise both men and women not to post photos with other people. The potential date wants to imagine how he or she would look by your side. It’s hard to imagine this, when the place is already taken. Harder to imagine it when there is no photo.

Women work to make a style statement. Everything from their hairstyle to their shoes tells people if they’re practical and down to Earth or trendy or in between. Not too surprising, a trendy guy would be attracted to a trendy girl. The photos establish some connectivity. If a man started a conversation with a woman he hadn’t seen and it went well, the belief is when they meet all will be well because their minds united first.

Ever watched the television show Catfish? The basis of the show is people meeting on social media and falling in love with an image.  Often, they have no photo, a much younger photo, or a photo of someone else. Even though some of these people communicated every day, depended heavily on their Internet friend for support and direction, and often continued the relationship for years, actually meeting for the first time destroyed the relationship.

The usual culprit is the person didn’t match the image in their head. This same issue occurs often in social media. Some people are good at manipulating their image via text or cleverly worded answers to a prompt. When you meet in person, it’s as if someone else showed up.

Siren users will have these same problems. There’s a good chance that they’ll weed out some of the creepers. Then you have to wonder how many men will be willing to put their profile out, complete with photos to be ogled and discussed, while the women reserve the option not do likewise. Will the women meet a better caliber of man? They could end up with fearless narcissists who are incapable of believing that every woman doesn’t want them. Then again, maybe not.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Are You Invisible in the Dating World?

Why is this woman ignoring the man? Could be she doesn't really see him
or has already classified him as not important. He doesn't stand out in her mind.
She's heard it all before. He could benefit from being authentic as opposed to stale one-liners.

An article by William Mize started me thinking about why people don’t meet appropriate potential dates. It’s because we’ve made ourselves invisible in several different ways. It doesn’t mean that we’re not a catch; it just means people never look at us or spend enough time around us to notice.

William Mize theorizes in his article that men over forty are invisible. Think of teens and college age males often wearing odd outfits, talking loud, posting endless selfies online, and constantly active. Plenty don’t do these things, but they don’t attract attention either.

 Consider your wardrobe. Does it attract the eye? Many women would be shocked to discover how much more noticeable they’d be by wearing something feminine or with some color.  My own sweetie lived in a world of beige, khaki, navy, and black. Not bad colors, but they caused him to fade into the woodwork.  After I gave his wardrobe a color boost, people started noticing him, especially women.

Be different somehow. What is different about you? A radio show on online dating discussed that online profiles tend to run together since people say the same thing. Almost everyone talked about loving life, long walks, and laughter. One DJ pointed out that everyone likes those things so it’s a given. If you are an astronomy buff or remodel period houses, mention it. Sure, not everyone will find that fascinating, but the right person will. Update your online profile monthly. It will give you more opportunity to meet different people.

Be realistic. Many RomCom movies feature a woman chasing after a man out of her league, while a perfectly acceptable man stays unnoticed by her side. In the movie, she eventually realizes what a treasure she has in the man next to her, not so in real life though. Mr. Mize pointed out if you’re a forty something man with kids, then your best bet is a forty-something woman with kids, not her twenty-year-old daughter.

Some women complain that they never meet any nice men. First, they don’t go places where nice men hang out. Instead, they frequent clubs or bars with reputations as meat markets. People looking for a one-night stand frequent these places with absolutely no intention of settling down or even revealing their last name.  Nice people go to their children’s sporting events, have hobbies, are gym members, and sometimes, church members. They get out of their house and go to the library, street fairs, farmers’ markets, and events.  Single people are everywhere, except your house. Staying at home will not put you into contact with a potential date.

Most people want companionship. It’s not very much fun to eat alone in a restaurant or attend a movie solo. The fear of rejection is what keeps many people from trying.  True, you might talk to someone on the elevator and it goes no further. Consider it practice. Go places, do things, smile at people, and make casual conversation.

Negative self-talk keeps us from being bold. Remember your younger self, or channel the smooth operators you envy. They aren’t any better than you are. Most of the time they have a lot less to offer, but what they do have is persistence and a strong ego.  Dating or just finding a date is a numbers game. Unfortunately, too many people accept lackluster relationships because they found one person willingly to date them.  Expect more, realistic more, not super model more.

Are you blending into a beige landscape? Do you avoid making eye contact or talking to strangers? Do you dodge events or avoid going out because you have no one to go out with? When you do go out do you layer on the makeup and squeeze into revealing clothes? This can be as off-putting as not being out there. The person hoping for a relationship sees the façade and assumes you’re not his type. This applies to the men too. Of course, their version might include too tight pants, toupees, and jewelry worthy of a rap video. The most important thing you can do is be yourself. The second most important things is take yourself out, talk to people, smile. Go outside your comfort zone. It is a scary place, but that is where your potential dates reside.

What he's doing right includes being out where he can be seen and smiling.
If one of the women looks back, she'll see his interest. She might keep walking,
or find another reason to pass by his table.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Love Hurts!

Ever wonder why intelligent people go back with exes who treated them shabbily? Could be that they’re lonely or time away from the ex makes him or her seem less horrible. Maybe they’re a rotten judge of character. Actually, it is more than that, according to an article in A New Mode.

1.       Often we think the man or woman is irreplaceable. Reminds me of Beyoncé singing Irreplaceable, which is about a woman who knows her boyfriend is cheating on her. He throws back that she’ll never find anyone like him.  Forget your ex, there’s plenty of people just like him or her. Ironically, we always think we won’t meet someone else as good. Sounds like some brain washing might have occurred during the relationship.

2.       You sold out. You did things you never thought you would do. You compromised your standards to please a difficult ex. It is hard to deal with a breakup, but most of the pain comes from how much of you that went with your ex. Pieces of yourself that you willingly invested in a dubious relationship can’t be retrieved. Many men and women think by getting back together they can salvage a relationship or at least their credit rating. Nope. It is an opportunity for more of the same.

3.       It’s infatuation. Infatuation doesn’t allow you to see a person as he or she is, but rather as you wish they were. Infatuation blinds you to reasons why a relationship was never long term, even though your friends may have mentioned this a time or two. You somehow miss the flaws and behaviors that cause a union between the two of you to be a no-go.

4.       You miss how you feel with him or her. It’s the feeling, not the person. A wife of a bigamous husband confided she missed talking with her husband at night about what went on during the day. She missed that closeness, not necessarily the two-timing rat. Most people miss having a significant other to go out to dinner with, movies, and events.

5.       He or she was your whole life. You hear people make these type of statements, but it is often true. Many a woman or man lost contact with friends or family by putting their energy and time into a relationship. Hobbies and activities that used to part of your life fall by the wayside.  Often the left partner has given up almost every aspect of their old life to be little more than an unpaid assistant and bed warmer.  It’s hard to get back to a life when you threw almost all of it away.

In summary, you see the pain is real and lingers. Getting back together with your ex won’t fix it. A temporary reunion might happen, but your willingness to have your ex back means you’ll only be hurt worse when he or she leaves again. Some couples engage in relationships where they break up and get back together numerous times. That’s not a relationship; that’s hooking up.

Breakups hurt. Even though your friends have plenty of advice, from getting back into the dating pool to a spa day, the truth is it takes a while to recover. Many people, instead of doing the work they need to recover, rush into another marginal relationship.

Breakups, divorces, even the death of a spouse is not something you get over in a couple of weeks. Here are some things you can do to speed up the process.

·         Cut all contact with the ex if possible. Don’t be friends on social media. Don’t ask friends about him.
·         Don’t talk about your ex…even if it is a bitter rant. Two weeks is your time limit before your friends get bored of the breakup summary.
·         Develop your life. Do things you want to do. Don’t wait to be part of a couple.
·         Forgive yourself. We’re all guilty of doing things we wish we hadn’t while chasing love.
·         Remember to love yourself, which is probably the most important thing to do.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

He's not into You Checklist

Are you wasting time on a man who just isn’t interested? Flashback to high school: A boy spoke to you in class or the hallway and an entire scenario evolved where he was crushing on you. Of course, if this was someone you didn’t secretly like, your perception would have been very different.

Now, you’re an adult and you don’t play those mind games with yourself, or do you? Maybe you’ve been out on a date or just ‘hung out’ with a guy that you liked. I hope that you haven’t changed your status on social media already. Maybe you’ve confided to your best friend about the wonder of your new man. Your friend has the nerve to question your man’s intentions.
Instead of calling her jealous or mean, go over this checklist first.  

He’s not into You Checklist
1.       He doesn’t ask questions about you or your life. People date to find out about other people. They’re trying to see if the person would make a good companion or spouse. If he’s not asking questions, then he’s not interested in seeing you on a permanent basis.

2.       He disappears off your radar screen. You don’t hear from him for days, then he texts you with a sweet note about seeing each other. He brushes his missing in action behavior away as work or being too busy, but he thought of you though. Seriously, do you ignore someone you care about for days at a time?

3.       Many times a first date is almost like a PR opportunity where the man explains all the things that are great about him. All the reasons you might want to date him. A man who’s not into you guards his information. He doesn’t want you to know  where he works, lives, or friends. An overly needy woman might track him down.

4.       He waits too long to make the next date. Most men try to set up the second date on the first date. They will at least hint at it. A man who doesn’t call immediately isn’t interested. Men are well aware that a desirable single woman isn’t on the market long and make a diligent effort to secure a follow-up date if interested.

5.       It’s almost impossible to tell if he’s interested in you. Remember, men are a competitive species. They are the hunter. His goal, if interested, is to secure your affections and keep other men away. He wants people to know the two of you are attached. If you keep wondering if he’s interested in you, then you answered your own question.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

The Impact Dating App Lulu Has on Men

Now any man over seventeen can sign up to be on Lulu, a date review application. It used to be any woman could put a man on it without his consent. The benefit to men is to meet more women and network the dating scene. At least that is what men think. It would allow tons of available women to see what a wonderful catch the man is. Women can even recommend men to girlfriends, rather like books or movies.

Originally, the men had no chance to read reviews the women posted about them. How would you feel if you knew people were discussing your manners, your hairstyle, even your kissing ability? Well, apparently most men who signed up for Lulu wanted to know what was being said about them.

The app was supposed to be a type of gossipy social network just between us girls. The ad for Lulu calls it a Tool To Help Girls. In fact, it always used the term ‘girls’ as opposed to women. Girls can be silly and not held responsible for their actions. That’s why we refer to irresponsible men as boys.

Women can sign on after an initial date and complete an interview. The resulting ‘review’ is full of hashtags or summaries of the man including items such as #bigfeet #opensdoors #boring #onetrackmind #germaphobe #questionablesearchhistory and the like. The women don’t make these hashtags, a program does. If a woman admits she saw the man wash his hands, he can end up either with the hashtag #clean or #germaphobe.

It’s hard to believe a person could be reduced to a number of hashtags. What if the hashtags aren’t correct? One woman might comment her date had bad breath after eating Italian food. Now his rating includes hashtag #stinkybreath.

If you’ve been on Yelp, you know only three types of people leave reviews. The first are those who are acquainted with the business/person. A mother, sister, or female co-worker could rate a guy. How many men want to beg their friends to do this? Can they trust their co-worker not to mention annoying habits? What if a younger sister thinks it’s funny to rate him a dud in bed? So many things can go wrong in this scenario.

The second reviewer is the most common, the unhappy one. I recently went to a wonderful restaurant one man trashed on several review sites because his wife found dark meat in her chicken and noodles. Seems a silly reason to trash a restaurant. Men on Lulu received defamatory hashtags for less horrific things.

The third reviewer is someone who is very happy with the experience. If a woman finds a wonderful man, while she might brag to her girlfriends, would she really rate him on a social media app, well aware other women would read the review and be interested in him? Of course not. She’d want to keep the man to herself.

The ratings are anonymous and could possibly be only one woman’s opinion. The woman didn't even feel like going out on a date, but she did. George Clooney probably wouldn't had made a good impression. Feeling vindictive at men in general, she picks the man apart on the app. We can all accept that different people attract different people, but being different isn't wrong unless you're being rated on Lulu. Wealthy or rock star handsome men received higher ratings. No big surprise there. What is surprising that some women will rate a man they like negatively. It's to keep the competition away. It also makes the man more appreciative of a woman who actually admires him unaware she was the one who trashed his rep in the first place.

In the end, I think it still comes down to trusting your own opinion as opposed to an anonymous woman who may or may not have gone out with the man that you’re considering dating. 

Sunday, July 20, 2014

A Little Attention Please

Typical Date
There used to be a Paid Service Announcement about parents spending time with their children. According to the ad, children wanted your time not gadgets.  How does attention apply to dating and relationships?

We all want attention, even those who say they don’t. If you’re married or in a relationship and your companion ignores you, what do you have? Not much - you probably have a better relationship with your pet. Attention shows the other person that you care.  I recently had a spa service where the technician told me about her upcoming divorce in detail. The crux of the matter was the man, her soon to be ex, paid no attention to her. He came home from work and watched movies on his computer. The two of them weren’t even sitting together and watching television.

Women value attention. It’s simply another way of saying, “I love you.” Before you start grumbling about women being attention whores, don’t underestimate men’s need for recognition. Men adore women who listen.

European and Latin-American men have it all over Americans because they focus more on who they are with. This makes them more desirable in the dating game. Why not even the playing field?

1.       Unplug - When you’re out on a date with someone new or not new, don’t read texts or answer the phone. (Most items really can wait.)

2.       Eating in a restaurant - Don’t face the television or crane your head to watch television. Only in America do we have a television in almost every restaurant and bar. In other countries, people actually talk while dining.

3.       Call your date, don’t text - Texting is to convey simple messages such as running late. Hearing your voice deepens affection. If someone doesn’t want to hear your voice, then it’s a non-relationship.

4.       Turn down or off the television when your significant other or date is talking to you - This shows the other person that he or she is important.

5.       Do things without electronic media - Physical activities such as walking, biking, hiking, or canoeing allow you to talk, share, and focus on one another.

6.       Listen – Wait for a conversational lull to insert your answer, similar story, or platitude.

7.       Ask questions - This not only helps you learn more, but also shows you’re paying attention. The questions have to be relevant. If your date is talking about how she rescued baby ducks stranded in the road, an inquiry about any desire to travel to the moon won’t work.

8.       Eye Contact - If a person isn’t looking at you when you’re speaking, it is hard to know if he or she is paying attention. Eye contact is the non-verbal way of saying “you matter.”

9.       Non-verbal cues - This can be anything from a smile to a nod that signals your attention. Often when a man is interested in a woman he uses his body to block her from other men’s view. He’s saying this one is mine.

10.   Remember - It isn’t enough to hear what someone is saying, it’s also important to remember. A person scores major points if he or she remembers favorite foods, flowers, movie quotes, etc. This is another way of telling your date that he or she is important. This information can be used to plan future meetings or gifts too.

11.   Handwritten Notes - These are becoming so rare that they are almost like gold. The notes don’t have to be elaborate or even overly sentimental. It is a quick and unexpected reminder of your affection. (A text is nice, but it isn’t as tangible as a physical token.)

12.   Proximity - This can be tricky depending on where you are in the dating relationship. Plenty of couples at restaurants sit so far apart, that it looks like they’re not speaking. Scooting your chair closer, or leaning in your date’s direction shows interest. If your date steps away or begins leaning back, then you’re too close.

These are a few ways to show that special person that he or she matters. I’ve talked to dozens of people about first dates. One of the central themes for the lack of a second date was the belief that the date wasn’t interested. This could be true, but more likely the date didn’t convey interest appropriately. Both parties walked away thinking the other wasn’t interested. Something to consider.

Here's a video about a man who decided to give his girlfriend the time she needed.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Conflicting Dating Messages

Someone did the numbers, there’s plenty of single people to go around dating-wise, except when you get to sixty, and older, then the women outnumber the men. Why are so many people home alone when they don’t want to be? Personally, I think it is conflicting messages.

Here’s just a few.

A random survey showed men photos of celebrities with and without their makeup. A large majority pick the sans makeup celebrity over 60% of the time. Consider that these are women who have professionals do their makeup. A little Photo Shopping may have helped too. The men complained about red lipstick and dark eye shadow being a turn-off. Okay, the message here is to go light on the makeup or no makeup at all.

Data from the online dating site, Zoosk, revealed the men message women wearing eye makeup more than any other ones. Those wearing lipstick were a close second. Women who went for the whole glam got more initial responses. The women who chose to go without makeup might have read the first part about men preferring a natural look. Plenty of articles out there about men preferring not to date done women. With complaints from the makeup getting on the men’s clothing to the red lipstick being scary.  What’s the deal here?

·         Men are liars.
·         Men like the idea of women glamming up for the initial photos. (They mistakenly think it is all for them. As opposed to the thousands who might see the photo.)
·         They believe celebrities look better w/o makeup than a normal woman would.
·         They can visualize themselves in an everyday relationship with a celebrity.
·         Different men were used in each survey
·         The Zoosk survey where the men wanted makeup focused on men in their 20’s & early 30’s. This age group is notoriously unsatisfied with their appearance. It’s no wonder they desired a woman glammed up. They may have viewed a done woman as a confident female. Of course, women know this isn’t true at all.

She's Hoping to Attract a Man Who Will Stick to Her
If you’re a celebrity watcher, the newest trend seems to be clothing that doesn’t really work as clothing allowing glimpses of underwear or even a person not wearing underwear. The wardrobe malfunctions are deliberate and often guarantee free publicity for weeks. Most of us don’t leave the house in a dress with a thigh-high slit sans undergarments. This info is more confusing than the makeup one was.

Online dating info reveals that women posed in provocative outfits do get more looks and responses. Before you strap on your bombshell bra and thong for a photo session. Read on.

·         Men are visual creatures. Of course, they look. They look at car wrecks and monster trucks too.
·         Often when they look, they are critical because they’ve seen too many air-brushed models
·         They assume women in super sexy outfits can be had on the first date or for the price of dinner.
·         Some men refuse to respond to such a woman because they’re shopping for a long-term relationship, not a one-night stand.
·         Other men may go out with cleavage flaunter, but will usually want her to dress more conservatively in public.

No matter what the celebs wear you have to consider your clothing blasts a message.  It is better to make sure you’re onboard with the message.

Actual Dating Profile Pics

 As for the duck lips or what women view as a sexy pout, no men found this attractive. It was usually viewed as a device for immature women who craved attention the way a caffeine junkie craves coffee. Read: high matienance.

There’s more mixed messages. I’ll save some for next time. If you’re wondering, the women send plenty of mixed messages too.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

The New Sexy

It is easy to assume most single people are looking for a supermodel type or someone with six-pack abs. If they had a brush with a financially unstable hottie, then probably not. Main Street’s recent article details how being good with money is the new sexy.

Women who require expensive dates and lavish presents resemble a bad investment. This is a sign of someone who will be financially irresponsible in a relationship.  There are other clues including impulse buys, buying items at peak prices, an excess of gadgets, clothes, and memberships that are never used. If a person is more about appearances than substance, expect financial hardship down the road.

Dates who brag about clubs they’re a member of or vacations at well-advertised resorts are all about appearances. This person will have little time or money to invest in a relationship because his or her goal is to be riding the latest trend.  Often they want to live like a celebrity on a non-celebrity paycheck. 

It’s hard to enjoy life when consumed with thoughts of how to pay your mortgage. If you have a date/companion who balks at an ordinary movie and dinner date to decrease your stress level, then you’ve encountered someone who doesn’t care about you. What you really have is someone who will leave you for someone who will spend more money.  This isn’t love, but more of a bidding war. Get out while you can.

It shouldn’t be too surprising that early disagreements about money are a predictor of a relationship failure. Couples with different financial backgrounds have trouble combining their views.  An adult from a wealthy or an indulgent family may buy big-ticket items willy-nilly without a thought to the combined finances.

Partners/Dates who are financially irresponsible often put a strain on the relationship. Sometimes they want the partner to bail them out from letting them move in or having them pay their charge card bills. Views regarding money shapes people’s financial outlook. Spending money can sometimes be a power trip for some people. Even if they are spending money that they don’t have.

 Most relationships end due to money problems or infidelity, sometimes both. It is no wonder that having experienced this type of financial trauma most people want to avoid it. Living within your means results in a happy, stable relationship as opposed to the unexpected surprise of one that careens out of control, wildly due to impulsive spending.

Men interviewed for the article explained that they found women with planned buying habits sexy. Saving for a purchase as opposed to buying on a whim is the new push-up bra. Looks are less important than previously thought. Sound money decisions makes a person more attractive. How important money decisions are also depends on age too.  Those thirty and over are tired of digging change out of the sofa for a drive-thru dinner. To avoid this scenario, they're willing to put more emphasis on financial stability than looks.

Chemistry still holds the number one place in choosing a mate, but financial acumen can create the spark. It’s something to think about.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Failed Relationships Can Work in Your Favor

Who hasn’t had a friend quote to them, “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” after a breakup. Lord Tennyson penned those memorable lines after a death of a close friend. Even though his grief was intense, he was still grateful for the experience.

It turns out those relationships that didn’t stand the test of time may make a person more desirable. A recent survey pointed out that when looking for a potential date or even mate, women prefer men who’ve had previous relationships. All those relatives or friends who cast aspersions because a relationship didn’t last were unaware that by having a relationship a man proves he’s date-worthy.

Women prefer a man that other women married or were in a relationship with. Ironically, this is the same in nature too. The female primate prefers the male that other females mated with.  It isn’t too surprising that a man in a relationship is appealing because he’s already passed another woman’s approval.

The man who’s never had a solid relationship is a risk that most women are not willing to undertake. Being divorced and ready to try again can be a good characteristic on a dating profile, but there’s a fine line. Most women will accept two failed relationships within a four-year period. More than two doesn’t sound like a much of a relationship but more like a serial dater.

Five or more within a four-year period scares most women away. Consider the time it takes to develop a relationship. It means the man drifts from one woman to the next without any down time to grieve or even consider his actions.  Such behavior signals the inability to be alone. It is a bright red flag waving in the wind, signaling that five women found the man unsatisfactory.

Why is two the magic number?  It demonstrates the man has enough good traits to interest women. The fact he’s only had two relationships within a four year timeframe demonstrates he’s made an effort to maintain the relationship. He valued the relationship and the women.

The man who’s had one relationship might be a fluke. The one who has two isn’t. It is another new characteristic in building the profile of an attractive, datable male. First, being a homeowner is a big deal. Then an excellent credit score improves a man’s attractiveness.  Now, a man who has loved and lost is actually a proven catch.