Thursday, October 23, 2014

When Your Dating Profile Doesn’t Produce Results

The seventh season of The Big Bang Theory has Raj and Stuart creating dating profiles. Here’s a clip that highlights some of their issues. In real life, the actor who plays Raj is married to Miss India.

In the beginning, Raj struggles to take a decent photo of Stuart.  Your photos create a mental image of who you are. Whoever is looking at that photo will decide if you work enough to read your profile.

Smiling people are more attractive. It also makes you look younger, less solemn.  Taylor Marsh has an interesting twist on this in her online column. A person has to have joy in his or her life before making a profile. Hate your life or your job? It will come through in your photos and your profile. Going out on a date even with a nice person won’t solve anything. Make sure you have something good going on before composing that profile.

On a recent episode of Dr. Phil, Steve Harvey was on promoting his latest movie and dating site, Delightful. In case, you’re wondering Delightful is different in the aspect that people Skype each other before meeting in person avoiding the bad first date. Dr. Phil and Steve Harvey took the challenge of helping an attractive professional who could never get a second date.  They matched her with a handsome, articulate man. Later, they watched the film footage. The woman introduced herself, explained what she was a second grade teacher, and then launched into a ninety-minute litany of doom and gloom. She even managed to hit on her father’s house possibly catching on fire.

Being pretty didn’t outweigh the negative Nancy effect. Let’s face it; no one likes to be around a negative person. Stuart and Raj are both negative about their ability to attract women. Taylor Marsh points out that we’re often negative in our profiles without being aware of it. Little words give you away.

Don’t use hate, dislike, unemployed, illness, death, depressed, snob, and phobia. These words draw a picture of a whiny individual on his or her last legs, not a good dating prospect. Your profile should be upbeat, fun, and about you. Think of it as a commercial for you. Car commercials never point out a car will break down sometimes. They do. It’s a known, but mentioning it wouldn’t be good policy. Same with you, instead of mentioning you get blue in the winter, say you love summer and hanging out at the beach.

Online dating profile is a tricky thing. There are escort services and those in search of a meal ticket with very explicit profiles. Most women know this and don’t want to be confused with these individuals. Makes sense, but they boomerang the other way. Ms. Marsh points out that a woman should lead with her sensual side. Some people think that means putting up a cleavage revealing shot.

That would attract all the wrong types. Contrary to what you see on television, men aren’t looking for women with perfect bodies. They want someone who feels good about her body and is active. This doesn’t mean you’re an ultra-marathoner either. No matter what your age group, no one wants a rocking chair assignation.

Photos in form fitting clothing, even leggings, would work with no obvious display of skin. Full-length photos are necessary.  Some women shy away because they’re afraid a man won’t date them if they carry weight around their hips. Current photos winnow out this type. Do something active and preferably you love.  If you’ve never ridden a horse, sitting on one won’t work. Not only might you look terrified, but could attract someone who enjoys daily trail rides.

Make sure your profile includes activities that two people can do together. Sure, as a single, you sought out activities a loner could do, but it might be hard to interest a man in an evening filled with scrapbooking or playing with your adorable niece, or your cat, Mittens. These items shouldn’t be on your profile.

Finally, consider why you’d reject someone’s profile. Here’s my top five (in no particular order.)
1.       Mentions recent breakup or divorce. ( Not ready to date)
2.       Declares he’ll only date women of a certain size.
3.       Too far away.
4.       Displays bigotry.
5.       Too obsessive about one thing. (Ex: Running is my life. I couldn’t get through a day without running.)

In the end, you want to be confident, happy, and interesting. Keep in mind; you don’t want to date everyone. It’s okay if people pass you over. They weren’t your type.

If you’re on a niche dating site, the ones for people of a certain race, religion, or profession. They will not have as many people as the big sites do. While online dating introduced me to my forever love, there are scam artists out there. If it sounds like a con, then it is.  

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Can You Be The Perfect Woman?

Is This The Perfect Woman?

Buzzfeed made up an episode about the contradictory information men give on what makes up a perfect woman.  Here’s the video, which sounds a great deal like the Internet sites that promise to make you irresistible to men for 39.99.

A cute girl featured in the video is going to take the advice of average men.
1.       Men love women who look natural. Who hasn’t heard this one? Of course, they describe women made up as more attractive. No wonder the girl puts on more lipstick.

2.       She’s told to be flirty. Apparently, there’s a line between appropriate flirty and too much.

3.       Women are supposed to hang with the guys, act like guy friends, but not have guy friends.
(I don’t understand it either.)

4.       Men like women with a healthy appetite, but then they’re grossed out if you eat too much. Who defines what is too much? Some women aren’t even eating on dates, afraid they might cross that secret line.

5.       Be funny, but don’t act funny. (This assumes men and women find the same things funny. The girl doing impressions could be several women I know.)

6.       Laugh at his jokes, no matter how lame or dysfunctional. (Of course, this means you’ll have to do this as long as the two of you are connected. Scary.)

7.       Seem smart (Notice they didn’t say be smart.) Never act smarter than the guy. (Seriously, well this is a man’s version of a perfect woman.)

8.       She’s told to relax and be herself at the start of the video. By the end of the video, you realize there’s nothing real about her.

For all her jumping through hoops, she’s still rejected by an average guy. Has this ever happened to you? You did everything you thought would make someone happy and he still left you. Women who’ve undergone plastic surgery for demanding husbands are left more often than women who do nothing.

Over half of the United States adult population is single. With that in mind, probably someone’ll see you as perfect just the way you are.    

Can't wait to see their video about the perfect man.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Breaking Up is Harder for the Nice Girl

Even though, I've used the scenario of a woman breaking up with a man. It can also be a man breaking up with a woman or a woman breaking up with another woman too. Using he or she all the time in a sentence gets awkward.

Have you come to the realization that man you only been out with a few times, isn’t the one for you. There’s also the possibility he hasn’t asked you out, but could. More likely, you’ve been dating for a while and you’re not becoming the couple you’d envisioned. Instead of doing things you both enjoy, it’s an all him relationship. You do what he wants to do and when he wants to do it. A visit to Dr. Phil will not cure you because he has no reason to change. Unfortunately, many men believe women are similar, which means the threats of you leaving, won’t change his behavior.

What if, you’re a non-confrontational person and can’t even get to the point of breaking up. It’s not that you don’t want too. You’re afraid of hurting his feelings or in my case; the man simply wouldn’t accept it. Here’s some tips for women who are much too nice to tell the guy to hit the road.

1. State your intentions and then leave. There’s no rebuttal. He doesn't get to plead, negotiate, or explain his side. Walk.

2. Be honest. The nice girl, which is what you are if you’re reading this, may have built up her date/man by saying she enjoyed being with him, what fun they had together, etc. He doesn’t know you have nothing in common and his jokes are lame.

3. Act bored. This probably won’t be hard to do if you already decided you don’t suit. No man wants to hang out with someone who finds him boring. This puts breaking up on him. Warning: he may decide to stick with a bored woman rather than being alone.

4. It’s all about your friends. Suddenly, you have no time for him because you have to go out with the girls, every night or at least whenever he wants to go out.

5. The boyfriend lie works best with guys you’ve only dated once or not at all. Men you’re already dating will accept that your ex is back in contact with you. After all, they’re dating you, why wouldn’t an ex want to see you. Keep in mind; this lie could be outed.

6. Hide from him on social media. Block him from seeing your messages or even if you’re online. He’ll get the message.

7. Avoid common places you used to go. If he knows your schedule, he’ll be waiting for you there.

8. Don’t take his calls, texts, or email. Any contact is encouragement.

9. Be seen with another man, even it is your cousin or your best friend’s brother.

In the end, you wonder why a man would want to go out with someone who wasn’t into him. Seriously, how long did you date after you realize it wasn’t working? People keep dating when it’s not working because they don’t see anyone better or they don’t want to be alone. Dating can be work and they’re not in the mood to start the cycle again. It could be the man is just as anxious to break up with you. With this in mind, honesty can be you best policy, but stay away from lame lines like, “We can still be friends.”

Monday, September 29, 2014

The Fat Suit Dating Experiment

Goldie Hawn in a fat suit, but she still looks like a normal woman.

You may have heard about the fat suit experiment or maybe you haven’t. An attractive fit woman and similar handsome man advertise for a date on Tinder using recent snapshots, and then they don a fat suit for the actual date.   

The entire Tinder dating phenomenon is about looks and availability.  With this in mind, the company Simple Pick Up, is in business with a sole purpose to teach men to pick up women. Simple Pick Up chooses a gorgeous swimsuit-worthy female.  Then, of course, the people running the experiment make her almost hundred pounds overweight. Quite a difference when you consider the photos she had on Tinder.

Five different men show up at different times for the date. All five are initially friendly. None of them is the date who walks by and doesn’t like what he sees and heads out without speaking. The woman stays in her chair and allows the men to approach. Once they identify themselves as her date, she becomes quite friendly and chatty.

It’s obvious the first four men are uncomfortable with her weight. One storms off concluding that posting thin pictures makes her a liar. A statement I’d have to agree with, but he could have handled it in a classier way. Another man confesses he’s married before ducking out. He may have been married, there’s no way to know. The third gives a polite speech about not suiting. The fourth goes to the restroom and never comes back. The fifth guy doesn’t do a disappearing act a couple of minutes into the date. For his persistence, the woman reveals that it is all a social experiment and points out the cameras. That’s his reward for sticking it out with the fat date.

What we’ve learned is that men in the 24-36 age range have little tolerance for overweight women. More specifically, men who expect some fit hot chick, and meet a woman who bears no resemblance to her, tend to go to pieces.  Men are single-minded, linear thinkers, which might explain their reactions. The simple conclusion would be that it’s not okay to be an overweight female.

Let’s move onto the guy in a fat suit video, which is really, what the whole social experiment was really about.  The creators of Simple Pick Up want to show how you can pick up girls no matter how you look. There was a not so hidden agenda here.

Five fit women choose to meet the man who is actually a dating coach in a fat suit. This person tells men how to meet girls. All the women are polite and stay through the date. One asks him if he prefers fit women to non-fit ones and calls him a hypocrite when he admits he does. That’s as ugly as it gets.

They stay through the date even though, in my opinion, the man spouted a great deal of garbage, often taking a counter viewpoint to whatever the woman said. At one point, he even admitted he hated dogs. Seriously, he was not acting like an average overweight guy, but more like a bombastic bad boy who expected women to fall for him.

As a result, the makers of the video claimed the man had successfully snagged two additional dates and a kiss, proving their point that they could teach any man to pick up girls. After I watched the video initially, my first two thoughts were women are more polite and less judgmental. Men can get by with carrying weight in society more than women. Don’t believe me? Check out the UK study where women prefer men with a spare tire to six pack ab guys. The reasoning behind this distinction is that six-pack guys were devoid in personality and obsessed with their looks. Women also didn’t want to date a man in better shape than she was.

After considering the video overnight, I came up with some other conclusions. Women often say things on dates they don’t mean such as pretending to plan for a second date. Acting as if you’re happy on a date is learned behavior most women know how to do while counting the minutes until it’s over. The girl who kissed him did not kiss him on the lips. It was a sweet kiss reserved for someone you just met, a relative, or a co-worker. It could have been a pity kiss too.

Even though I thought the women showed good manners and made an effort to be a decent date, male commenters on the video viewed their actions differently.  Some believed the females showed up for the free food.

There is a mention of this is taking place in LA.  A city noted for its beautiful people, chocked full of wannabe actors and models where personal beauty standards might be understandably higher than elsewhere. I’ll leave you with this thought. If you were making a video about a guy successfully meeting girls in a fat suit, would you show any bad meets?

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Is the Single Middle-aged Woman Invisible?

Often, women in their mid-forties complain that the fashion industry bypassed them in their effort to garner the attention of the twenty-plus female. Dating often feels like being stuck in the junior section of the department store where nothing fits right or looks good. Apparently, many men think so too, as they pick younger women to date. What gives?

People are more likely to divorce in their forties as opposed to any other age. Once the kids leave home, a couple realizes they have nothing that holds their bond together. With people living longer, the promise of a better, exciting life is more attractive. Ironically, the promise doesn’t materialize immediately.

Society and the media have schooled men that dating younger implies virility. Younger women do not challenge men in the way women their own age would. A younger woman usually is agreeable to a relationship faster than a mature woman is. Divorced men tend to be reactive too, which means they don’t want to date anyone like their ex-wife, which would be a middle-aged woman with children. Dating is hard. Most men don’t want to be troubled with the time and effort involved. Ironically, the man who was so keen on the brand new, better life will quickly settle into a mediocre relationship.

This makes the middle-aged single woman despair of ever finding herself in a relationship again. Face it; people treat a single woman different from a married one. In a Guardian article, one woman pointed out that after a divorce even friendship dynamics change. While some folks joke about who gets the friends in the divorce, the simple fact is, no one invites a single woman to a party. Only when she was in a relationship, did invitations to dinner parties appear.

Part of the problem is how middle age women regard themselves. Often, their belief that they are unattractive keeps them from drawing romantic interest or noticing men who are interested in them. In the same article, British actress Lynda Bellingham confessed she didn’t take seriously her current husband’s wooing efforts because she was a mature woman. Despite being a vivacious, talented beautiful woman, she accepted the general belief that men always date younger. Obviously, her husband did get his message across eventually.

In the same article, one woman confessed her future was a dismal, loveless one. How sad that she measures happiness by whether she’s in a relationship or not. This is usually a trait of younger women. Older women have usually learned that relationships come and go. Being true to yourself, pursuing your dreams and interests will keep you vital. Refuse to define yourself in the terms of a society that provides no appropriate role models. Mature crooner Tony Bennett still packs houses, proving there are plenty who want to listen to his style of music. He pointed out in a radio interview that music producers chase after the younger audience who often “borrow” or share songs on the Internet, while ignoring the baby boomers, who represent a bigger and more profitable audience.

What does the middle age woman do for companionship? More and more women are dating younger men. In fact, several sites have been set up for that purpose. Why do younger men date older women? According to the landing page on Toyboy warehouse, it’s for their confidence, experience, zest for life, and lack of game playing.

The simplistic answer to the middle-aged woman dating dilemma is attitude. If you see yourself as used up, then others will too. Staying home and feeling sorry for yourself gets you more of the same. As a single woman, you can do whatever you’ve always wanted to do, from trying out new hobbies to traveling. Chasing your dreams will bring back the confidence you lost in your divorce or along the way. Value yourself and your achievements and you’ll discover others will too. Even though this may seem counter-productive, imagine your worst scenario of living alone. You can go out when you want, go where you want, eat whatever you want, spend your money how you choose, and live a life where you’re the sole architect. A full life filled with friends, family, and activities you love.

Life can be perverse because once you’re okay with who you are and being alone, you usually bump into someone. As a strong single woman, you can decide if you want to invite this person into your life or not.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

"Taking a Break"

Courtesy of Deviant Art

Who hasn’t heard this dreaded phrase? There are variations on it. “I need to find myself,” or “I need to think about us,” or even “I need distance.” Whenever anyone suggests taking a break, it is the slow breakup. Now, some couples do get together after taking a break from each other. So, it can be good, right?

Not necessarily. The person who wanted to take a break, find her or himself, or needed breathing room, just wanted to shop around without the guilt of being a cheater. He or she was crafty enough not to admit this.  A partner shops when the relationship isn’t valued. There’s a tiny part that worries there may not be a better partner or relationship out there. If there isn’t, taking a break allows them to return without any recriminations or apologies needed.

It is similar to a movie of a few years ago where the wives gave their husbands a free pass to do whatever they wanted for a week. In the movie, the men realize they weren’t the studs they thought they were and valued their wives.  They returned grateful and determined to make their relationships better. All movies… you do realize they’re fiction, right?

   Let’s put this in car terms. You have an old car that you drive around now and then, but don’t put much value on it. You’d probably have no problem lending it to a friend. Might even let the same friend use it indefinitely, especially if you have your eye on a shiny new car. (Keep in mind; you aren’t paying insurance or payments on the car.) Taking a break is exactly what you’re doing with the car. If you never see it again, you won’t be too distressed. The fact you lent it out means it no longer has value in your eyes.

Second scenario is you have the car of your dreams. Years have gone into obtaining this magnificent vehicle. It is your pride and joy. Polishing it and showing it off consumes your leisure time. Several friends have asked to drive it, but you laugh off the suggestions. This is your baby and you’re not going to take a chance with her.

If someone is taking a break from you, face it, you’re car number one.  People often have inflated images of their worth in the dating world. Your partner who needs breathing room could be out for a few months with no results.  He calls you up and wants to hang out, keep in touch, drop by, etc. Translation: you’re good enough for right now until the urge to check out the new dating stock comes over him again.

You see this in relationships when people live together. They’ve lived together for months, even years, when one person confesses they fallen for someone else, a person they immediately marry.

(Hey, wait a minute; didn’t they say marriage was for suckers?) What happened is they found that one person they were searching for. Would they have been searching if they valued whom they were with?

If your partner declares that he or she needs a break, breathing room, distance or another euphemism for leaving, let them go. Don’t pray for his or her return, read articles on how to get him or her back, or even beg for his or her return.

Face the facts; you weren't valuable.  A person who values you wouldn’t take a chance on letting you go. Some people tell themselves it is better to have someone than no one. It isn’t. How can you find someone who values you, when you’re hanging out with someone who doesn’t?

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

If Women Ran the Dating World

A new dating app called Siren is all about not letting men view the posted photos. Instead, women control access to the profile pics. Too many women complain that men they don’t want to know fixate on them based on their photos. On the other hand, an unflattering photo causes a man to ignore the woman.

The game plan is to get men to know the woman through text interaction. If, and when the woman wants to, she can reveal her photo. They might even meet without the woman ever showing her photo. Men can react to a talking point. A woman can choose a man whose answer she liked best. This is supposed to be more authentic. Some men will be better at this, especially literate men, and those who spend a lot of time in their heads. This doesn’t translate to being a great date though. It is similar to people who can ace job interviews, but never actually do any work once they’re hired.

The premise is men base their reactions on photos, and not the actual person. This is true to a certain extent. When I asked dates what we had in common, I often drew blank stares. They’d never read my profile. Men do look for types that appeal to them. They aren’t necessarily looking for a beauty queen. Many are looking for non-supermodels types, well aware of their own ordinariness. Women assume men want drool-worthy women, but they really want someone in their own league who won’t leave them.

Would women go for men that didn’t reveal their photos? I did. I conversed with two gentlemen who didn’t want to show off their photos immediately. Most people assume if a person doesn’t reveal his or her photo they must be an ogre. Not true. Out of the two men who wouldn’t post their photos, one was an average guy, but the other was model worthy. Ironically, their cloak and dagger attitude scared me away from both of them. My immediate reaction was, why not show a photo? Unless they were already in a relationship.

Dating websites advise both men and women not to post photos with other people. The potential date wants to imagine how he or she would look by your side. It’s hard to imagine this, when the place is already taken. Harder to imagine it when there is no photo.

Women work to make a style statement. Everything from their hairstyle to their shoes tells people if they’re practical and down to Earth or trendy or in between. Not too surprising, a trendy guy would be attracted to a trendy girl. The photos establish some connectivity. If a man started a conversation with a woman he hadn’t seen and it went well, the belief is when they meet all will be well because their minds united first.

Ever watched the television show Catfish? The basis of the show is people meeting on social media and falling in love with an image.  Often, they have no photo, a much younger photo, or a photo of someone else. Even though some of these people communicated every day, depended heavily on their Internet friend for support and direction, and often continued the relationship for years, actually meeting for the first time destroyed the relationship.

The usual culprit is the person didn’t match the image in their head. This same issue occurs often in social media. Some people are good at manipulating their image via text or cleverly worded answers to a prompt. When you meet in person, it’s as if someone else showed up.

Siren users will have these same problems. There’s a good chance that they’ll weed out some of the creepers. Then you have to wonder how many men will be willing to put their profile out, complete with photos to be ogled and discussed, while the women reserve the option not do likewise. Will the women meet a better caliber of man? They could end up with fearless narcissists who are incapable of believing that every woman doesn’t want them. Then again, maybe not.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Are You Invisible in the Dating World?

Why is this woman ignoring the man? Could be she doesn't really see him
or has already classified him as not important. He doesn't stand out in her mind.
She's heard it all before. He could benefit from being authentic as opposed to stale one-liners.

An article by William Mize started me thinking about why people don’t meet appropriate potential dates. It’s because we’ve made ourselves invisible in several different ways. It doesn’t mean that we’re not a catch; it just means people never look at us or spend enough time around us to notice.

William Mize theorizes in his article that men over forty are invisible. Think of teens and college age males often wearing odd outfits, talking loud, posting endless selfies online, and constantly active. Plenty don’t do these things, but they don’t attract attention either.

 Consider your wardrobe. Does it attract the eye? Many women would be shocked to discover how much more noticeable they’d be by wearing something feminine or with some color.  My own sweetie lived in a world of beige, khaki, navy, and black. Not bad colors, but they caused him to fade into the woodwork.  After I gave his wardrobe a color boost, people started noticing him, especially women.

Be different somehow. What is different about you? A radio show on online dating discussed that online profiles tend to run together since people say the same thing. Almost everyone talked about loving life, long walks, and laughter. One DJ pointed out that everyone likes those things so it’s a given. If you are an astronomy buff or remodel period houses, mention it. Sure, not everyone will find that fascinating, but the right person will. Update your online profile monthly. It will give you more opportunity to meet different people.

Be realistic. Many RomCom movies feature a woman chasing after a man out of her league, while a perfectly acceptable man stays unnoticed by her side. In the movie, she eventually realizes what a treasure she has in the man next to her, not so in real life though. Mr. Mize pointed out if you’re a forty something man with kids, then your best bet is a forty-something woman with kids, not her twenty-year-old daughter.

Some women complain that they never meet any nice men. First, they don’t go places where nice men hang out. Instead, they frequent clubs or bars with reputations as meat markets. People looking for a one-night stand frequent these places with absolutely no intention of settling down or even revealing their last name.  Nice people go to their children’s sporting events, have hobbies, are gym members, and sometimes, church members. They get out of their house and go to the library, street fairs, farmers’ markets, and events.  Single people are everywhere, except your house. Staying at home will not put you into contact with a potential date.

Most people want companionship. It’s not very much fun to eat alone in a restaurant or attend a movie solo. The fear of rejection is what keeps many people from trying.  True, you might talk to someone on the elevator and it goes no further. Consider it practice. Go places, do things, smile at people, and make casual conversation.

Negative self-talk keeps us from being bold. Remember your younger self, or channel the smooth operators you envy. They aren’t any better than you are. Most of the time they have a lot less to offer, but what they do have is persistence and a strong ego.  Dating or just finding a date is a numbers game. Unfortunately, too many people accept lackluster relationships because they found one person willingly to date them.  Expect more, realistic more, not super model more.

Are you blending into a beige landscape? Do you avoid making eye contact or talking to strangers? Do you dodge events or avoid going out because you have no one to go out with? When you do go out do you layer on the makeup and squeeze into revealing clothes? This can be as off-putting as not being out there. The person hoping for a relationship sees the façade and assumes you’re not his type. This applies to the men too. Of course, their version might include too tight pants, toupees, and jewelry worthy of a rap video. The most important thing you can do is be yourself. The second most important things is take yourself out, talk to people, smile. Go outside your comfort zone. It is a scary place, but that is where your potential dates reside.

What he's doing right includes being out where he can be seen and smiling.
If one of the women looks back, she'll see his interest. She might keep walking,
or find another reason to pass by his table.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Love Hurts!

Ever wonder why intelligent people go back with exes who treated them shabbily? Could be that they’re lonely or time away from the ex makes him or her seem less horrible. Maybe they’re a rotten judge of character. Actually, it is more than that, according to an article in A New Mode.

1.       Often we think the man or woman is irreplaceable. Reminds me of Beyoncé singing Irreplaceable, which is about a woman who knows her boyfriend is cheating on her. He throws back that she’ll never find anyone like him.  Forget your ex, there’s plenty of people just like him or her. Ironically, we always think we won’t meet someone else as good. Sounds like some brain washing might have occurred during the relationship.

2.       You sold out. You did things you never thought you would do. You compromised your standards to please a difficult ex. It is hard to deal with a breakup, but most of the pain comes from how much of you that went with your ex. Pieces of yourself that you willingly invested in a dubious relationship can’t be retrieved. Many men and women think by getting back together they can salvage a relationship or at least their credit rating. Nope. It is an opportunity for more of the same.

3.       It’s infatuation. Infatuation doesn’t allow you to see a person as he or she is, but rather as you wish they were. Infatuation blinds you to reasons why a relationship was never long term, even though your friends may have mentioned this a time or two. You somehow miss the flaws and behaviors that cause a union between the two of you to be a no-go.

4.       You miss how you feel with him or her. It’s the feeling, not the person. A wife of a bigamous husband confided she missed talking with her husband at night about what went on during the day. She missed that closeness, not necessarily the two-timing rat. Most people miss having a significant other to go out to dinner with, movies, and events.

5.       He or she was your whole life. You hear people make these type of statements, but it is often true. Many a woman or man lost contact with friends or family by putting their energy and time into a relationship. Hobbies and activities that used to part of your life fall by the wayside.  Often the left partner has given up almost every aspect of their old life to be little more than an unpaid assistant and bed warmer.  It’s hard to get back to a life when you threw almost all of it away.

In summary, you see the pain is real and lingers. Getting back together with your ex won’t fix it. A temporary reunion might happen, but your willingness to have your ex back means you’ll only be hurt worse when he or she leaves again. Some couples engage in relationships where they break up and get back together numerous times. That’s not a relationship; that’s hooking up.

Breakups hurt. Even though your friends have plenty of advice, from getting back into the dating pool to a spa day, the truth is it takes a while to recover. Many people, instead of doing the work they need to recover, rush into another marginal relationship.

Breakups, divorces, even the death of a spouse is not something you get over in a couple of weeks. Here are some things you can do to speed up the process.

·         Cut all contact with the ex if possible. Don’t be friends on social media. Don’t ask friends about him.
·         Don’t talk about your ex…even if it is a bitter rant. Two weeks is your time limit before your friends get bored of the breakup summary.
·         Develop your life. Do things you want to do. Don’t wait to be part of a couple.
·         Forgive yourself. We’re all guilty of doing things we wish we hadn’t while chasing love.
·         Remember to love yourself, which is probably the most important thing to do.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

He's not into You Checklist

Are you wasting time on a man who just isn’t interested? Flashback to high school: A boy spoke to you in class or the hallway and an entire scenario evolved where he was crushing on you. Of course, if this was someone you didn’t secretly like, your perception would have been very different.

Now, you’re an adult and you don’t play those mind games with yourself, or do you? Maybe you’ve been out on a date or just ‘hung out’ with a guy that you liked. I hope that you haven’t changed your status on social media already. Maybe you’ve confided to your best friend about the wonder of your new man. Your friend has the nerve to question your man’s intentions.
Instead of calling her jealous or mean, go over this checklist first.  

He’s not into You Checklist
1.       He doesn’t ask questions about you or your life. People date to find out about other people. They’re trying to see if the person would make a good companion or spouse. If he’s not asking questions, then he’s not interested in seeing you on a permanent basis.

2.       He disappears off your radar screen. You don’t hear from him for days, then he texts you with a sweet note about seeing each other. He brushes his missing in action behavior away as work or being too busy, but he thought of you though. Seriously, do you ignore someone you care about for days at a time?

3.       Many times a first date is almost like a PR opportunity where the man explains all the things that are great about him. All the reasons you might want to date him. A man who’s not into you guards his information. He doesn’t want you to know  where he works, lives, or friends. An overly needy woman might track him down.

4.       He waits too long to make the next date. Most men try to set up the second date on the first date. They will at least hint at it. A man who doesn’t call immediately isn’t interested. Men are well aware that a desirable single woman isn’t on the market long and make a diligent effort to secure a follow-up date if interested.

5.       It’s almost impossible to tell if he’s interested in you. Remember, men are a competitive species. They are the hunter. His goal, if interested, is to secure your affections and keep other men away. He wants people to know the two of you are attached. If you keep wondering if he’s interested in you, then you answered your own question.